I don’t know what happens to me but there are times when I’m really strong and standing in my sacred power. When I really know my worth and believe in myself 100% and there are no walls or any inner voices (no matter how loud they get) that can shut me down.
And then, I don’t exactly know what or how or why it happens but all my walls are back up again and I’m filled with voices of doubt about my purpose, how to live it, how to share my gifts, how not to be afraid. Am I good enough? Clever enough? Brilliant enough? I compare myself to others who I greatly admire and feel that nothing that I can say is as significant, or as artsy, or as important, or as creative, or as clever, and where are my credentials and who’s going to want to read what I’m writing. And on and on…
In what seems like an instant I can go from being on top of the world basking in the knowing of my inner truth and purpose to crash 😦 being totally in the bottom giving up and into this feeling of – not enough. Paralyzed by fear and doubt unable to write.
My mind is blank.
What I’m noticing is that throughout all this there is a raging fire that burns inside of me that has never gone out, is persistent through it all and is not leaving me alone to fall into a haze of a veg out on couch in front of the TV life.
It’s that persistent and constant raging fire that pushes me to move through, to remember I’m Divine Being and a Universal Force. That I am limitless, and so tear down the walls, shut the inner voices and allow the –
outrageous divine inner me to come out and shine her light.
It’s like there is something inside me that is saying, hey, get out of the way you, I have important holy work to do here, so let’s go.
Do you have the same or similar experiences? Love to hear from you.
(Sorry, I don’t know who is the photographer.)
© Masha Gitel Ellman 2015
14 thoughts on “Let the Outrageous Come Out”
Yes! Get out of the way, you. Important work is happening.
Yes, that ‘get out of the way’ thing, is sometimes a real struggle. Thank you.
Oh, yes. The back & forth, up and down. I was just thinking, I am finally learning my rhythms for this part of my life. There will be on & there will be off! I will glide with ease in my spiritual delight of life & I will sink into the depths of struggle. My new plan is to just go with it & not worry so much. Thanks for sharing this!
Cheryl, I like your new plan “just go with it and not worry so much” love it. Thank you.
I can totally relate. There are times I feel unstoppable and then suddenly I am full of self doubts. I think it is a human condition. We go through valleys and peaks constantly. I think when we are low this is when most growth occurs, as we are more reflective at these times. I love that you articulated this. It lets us know that we are not alone in these feelings.Thank you for sharing Masha. Much love and blessings to you.
Khadijah, thank you so much for saying this. It’s so true, I’ve spent the last few years doing a lot of inner work and those walls and voices still come back. Blessings to you.
From other comments and my own personal experiences, I think this may the natural inclination of people that are open and curious to see what’s next. We are not content to just exist but to really live an authentic life.
Virginia,yes so true, I am not able to be content to just exist, that raging fire within won’t let me. Thank you.
I feel it so much Masha! So so true. Be gentle and indulgent with yourself, that’s the secret true, this is the right way and keep the good vibe flow killing the bad thoughts xoxo, Giusy
Yes, gentle and indulgent, something we always need to remember. Thank you.
Come on Masha – let your outrageous divine inner light out – we want to hear more! I’m doing a big airfist puncythingy – YES! xox
LOL Dal, thank you.
I really empathise with what you’re saying… for me when I’m not turning up and creating from that ‘fire’ then it turns desctructive and eats & chars part of my life – like my happiness and appetite. But then when I do turn up and honour the ‘fire’ it’s not straightforward either – I think my ego flares up in jealousy to compete with burning fires of creativity!
Claire, so true, my ego too competes, it’s like saying no I’m not getting out of the way, I’m in charge here. LOL Thank you.
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