“The beauty that is within you cannot be contained…it will be reflected without; let it shine forth.” ~ Eileen Caddy
One of the hardest things for me has been to open up about myself and write about me. Oh I can talk very easily and tell someone about myself, no problem. And at times even disclose secret things, but when it comes to writing them something happens to me, I freeze, I block, I can’t seem to get the words from inside to flow out to the page in the same way that I can get the words to flow out from my mouth.
I don’t know why that is, well I do. Mostly it’s because before I even start writing I’m judging, deleting, editing, criticizing every word before I even let it come into my consciousness if that’s possible.
Another reason stems from my childhood. My parents were both holocaust survivors, and from a very young age my father would warn me every single day not to tell anyone anything about me or my family. If anyone asks he would warn me, tell them “you don’t know” – These words made me hide myself away afraid to let anyone see the real me, “I don’t know” became my mantra for my life. My father passed away when I was thirteen years old, but his stern warning has stayed with me my entire life.
And then there is of course Miss Perfectionist at work here. I worry over what people will think, how they will perceive me and that stops my words from flowing. Instead, my writing becomes stiff, doesn’t sound like me and is laced with high fluting words that I probably would not use in normal every day conversation and this all because I want to look and sound intelligent and interesting and brilliant and clever… on paper.
Knowing all this has not made a difference, I’m still stumped and freeze and can’t write about me, my story, from my heart.
So I decided to commit to myself and practice writing about ME every day. Practice opening up, taking myself out of the way and allowing my divine inner self out.
I keep on thinking about what Anne Lamott says in her book Bird by Bird about the need to let go and write those “shitty first drafts” how we need to have those (and I’ll probably have lots of those) to gain clarity into our second and third drafts. And for me a way to remove those blocks and get to the space of brilliance within.
So this is a start towards a more deeper conversation here, and a deeper more real blog. It may not happen every week, but I hope you’ll join in on the conversation and let me know how it makes you feel.
I’m getting real!