“The beauty that is within you cannot be contained…it will be reflected without; let it shine forth.” ~ Eileen Caddy
One of the hardest things for me has been to open up about myself and write about me. Oh I can talk very easily and tell someone about myself, no problem. And at times even disclose secret things, but when it comes to writing them something happens to me, I freeze, I block, I can’t seem to get the words from inside to flow out to the page in the same way that I can get the words to flow out from my mouth.
I don’t know why that is, well I do. Mostly it’s because before I even start writing I’m judging, deleting, editing, criticizing every word before I even let it come into my consciousness if that’s possible.
Another reason stems from my childhood. My parents were both holocaust survivors, and from a very young age my father would warn me every single day not to tell anyone anything about me or my family. If anyone asks he would warn me, tell them “you don’t know” – These words made me hide myself away afraid to let anyone see the real me, “I don’t know” became my mantra for my life. My father passed away when I was thirteen years old, but his stern warning has stayed with me my entire life.
And then there is of course Miss Perfectionist at work here. I worry over what people will think, how they will perceive me and that stops my words from flowing. Instead, my writing becomes stiff, doesn’t sound like me and is laced with high fluting words that I probably would not use in normal every day conversation and this all because I want to look and sound intelligent and interesting and brilliant and clever… on paper.
Knowing all this has not made a difference, I’m still stumped and freeze and can’t write about me, my story, from my heart.
So I decided to commit to myself and practice writing about ME every day. Practice opening up, taking myself out of the way and allowing my divine inner self out.
I keep on thinking about what Anne Lamott says in her book Bird by Bird about the need to let go and write those “shitty first drafts” how we need to have those (and I’ll probably have lots of those) to gain clarity into our second and third drafts. And for me a way to remove those blocks and get to the space of brilliance within.
So this is a start towards a more deeper conversation here, and a deeper more real blog. It may not happen every week, but I hope you’ll join in on the conversation and let me know how it makes you feel.
I’m getting real!
Blessings
In My Everyday Life 
Bravo to you for talking a step out of your comfort zone and great to see a new post as well. Haven’t seen anything from you in a while.. or is that just my imagination?
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LOL it’s been a couple of weeks since my last blog post. Thank you for your support it means a lot to me.
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We were not all born to be writers? There are so many ways to express your heart. It would be a very dull world without music and art of all perspectives. I love to read, but dont enjoy writing either, it just doesnt flow and I accept its not my medium. I would love to find the words to write poetry and i’ve tried, but the inspiration isnt forthcoming. Dont be hard on yourself Marsha, you have a big heart and that shines in your writing.
I believe its important to find your flow. Do what you love.
I love your photos in between the papragraphs, they give pause for thought too.
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I so appreciate your insight Janet. I do love writing, through practice I’m finding my flow, as you put it, and I love that I can inspire others through my writing. And thank you for mentioning my photographs,I love taking them and choosing just the right ones. Oh and thanks for reminding me not to be so hard on myself. Thanks 🙂
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It is especially hard to open up when one has been indoctrinated from childhood to do just the opposite. I learned very early to keep quiet, keep a low profile, don’t make waves, don’t call attention to myself. I think all that made my inborn introverted nature even more private. Life felt safer that way. It might help you to write about one small thing at a time…perhaps tell about why you took one of your beautiful photographs or how it makes you feel. I find my photos are often a springboard for expressing ideas that are hard to put into words.
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Great idea, that’s exactly what I’m planning and to practice writing about myself, and I think the more practice I do the easier it will become. Sometimes it amazes me that with all that I know I’m still being so influenced by words that I’m allowing to rule me. Thank you.
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I do so admire your courage and determination to move through those blocks and share your journey here, on your blog.
I feel exactly the same as you do… wanting to to write about deeper more personal issues, tell more of my own story… but I feel frozen, just as you do. You’ve expressed it so perfectly – “my writing becomes stiff, doesn’t sound like me and is laced with high fluting words that I probably would not use in normal every day conversation”. I was shut down as a child, just like you… for different reasons, but with the same result … so I am looking forward to following your journey, and perhaps I’ll meet you on the path….
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I hope that you do meet me on this journey. I’m hoping that sharing myself will open the doorway and give you the permission you need to walk through it. Your comment here is so inspiring for me, it gives me the inspiration I need to go on. Thank you Janet.
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Good on you, Masha for being brave, bold and determined. And, your parents… what a life they had… to come out the other end of the holocaust and be even half way normal is astonishing, I think. No wonder your Father had a ‘hangover’ from what happened. I think you’re amazing for stepping outside what would have been his comfort zone as well as yours. It’s like doing the celebrating of life (and of yourself) that he was unable to bring himself to do afterwards.
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Yes, it amazes me too how they went on living, they never forgot and for my mother she spoke of it for the rest of her life, how they did it I have no idea. Thank you Linda for your kind words.<3
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It always amazes me how much our upbringing shapes how we do things. It is so much easier for me to write things than speak them. But in house it was either yelling or silence, never conversation.
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I’m amazed too, as I go along and uncover and see how certain things from my childhood are still limiting me, still playing a role in my life, I’m astonished. Thank you ❤
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